I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Nicole vs. Life
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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