In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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