put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
