remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
