my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
