you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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