No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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