If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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