i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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