I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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