In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
