So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
