Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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