Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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