There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am available for nakedness
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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