2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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