I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
