just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
