you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
