Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize