I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
