Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
