Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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