I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
