The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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