my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
