I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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