Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
