There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
