do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
