I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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