I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
