Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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