girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
