And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
