So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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