I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
