I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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