Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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