This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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