The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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