shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
