I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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