so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
