Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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