I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I need moral support for this bender
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
