I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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