omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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