my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
