Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize