I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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