I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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