don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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