if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
you had me at cake vodka
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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