Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
