the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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