i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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