Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
