We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
