ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
