I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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