Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
