Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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