the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I love you. Go after that dick
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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