I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
