I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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