i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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